


Tricks the Memory Plays

by Truth



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: M/M, Mind Games, Violence, bait and switch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-07-02
Updated: 2007-07-02
Packaged: 2017-10-14 06:52:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/146571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Truth/pseuds/Truth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sumeragi Subaru has always had <i>complicated</i> relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tricks the Memory Plays

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [](http://community.livejournal.com/springkink/profile)[**springkink**](http://community.livejournal.com/springkink/)

_Every night was different – every night was exactly the same._

He slept in a series of cheap hotels, never the same place for more than a few nights, never the same city for more than a week. Sumeragi Subaru was searching for someone and it was a hunt that was taking a toll.

Sumeragi Subaru knew the dangers of losing yourself to despair, to fantasy... to revenge. He'd seen the very real demons that could be summoned by giving in to loss and to denial and watched the price they'd torn from their often willing victims. He'd spent most of his childhood in the fight against these demons, spending himself recklessly and buoyed by the passionate belief that this was _right_ and that love, acceptance and forgiveness were all that were needed to triumph against the creatures that lurked in the darkness. Perhaps he'd been right, in his naiveté. He was no longer in any position to judge.

 _He would open his eyes to darkness, feel an embrace scented with the faint sweetness of cherry blossoms and the tang of a familiar brand of cigarettes, all of it underlain by the faded smell of decay._

The days and nights were slowly beginning to blur into a grey haze, lightened only by the occasional surge of grim determination as he fulfilled his duties. Time was marked only by movement between one place and the next, following the pleas of those who could not help themselves. A sort of grim irony prodded at the ashes of his sense of humor, but it was not enough to bring a smile. It wasn't his way to find amusement in darkness even if he had remembered what it was to smile without pain.

 _”I feel nothing.”_

In the grey emptiness that was slowly drawing to surround him, the occasional flash of light and color pulled at him, as if trying to force him into remembrance or to drag free some response other than dulled pain and bitter resignation. Subaru pushed them away as he did all that hinted at distraction from his purpose.

However disciplined the mind, denial can only carry you so far. Subaru worked himself hard, eating only as necessary and sleeping as little as possible. Even as a child, he’d had odd and troubling dreams. Since Hokuto’s death they’d become twisted with memory and pain – Subaru attempted to avoid the prospect of dreaming, but it was not always possible.

His dreams had changed….

 _”But as you’re here, perhaps I can find a use for you after all.”_

Sumeragi Subaru had room for only one desire, one wish that drove him on more relentlessly than anything before in his entire life. It danced, tauntingly, just beyond his grasp – leaving him chasing hints and rumors and, sometimes, his tail.

He’d sworn to find the Sakurazukamori and kill him, but it was an oath he had no intention of keeping.

**

It was hard to tell the difference between the various dingy hotel rooms after a while – not that it mattered. Subaru only used them for sleep, after all, and concern with décor had never been one of his traits. No, appearances had always been the interest of his sister.

He still thought of her often but even those memories were becoming a soft, washed-out grey. The only vivid colors remaining in his world were the red of freshly spilled blood and the white and pink of an endless whirl of cherry blossom petals that he saw every time he closed his eyes.

“You don’t give up easily.” The words were breathed softly, almost gently, into his ear. “Then again,” as familiar arms slid around him, dislodging a thousand conflicting memories, “you always were such a martyr….”

There was always a fight and it was a small miracle that Subaru had yet to be ejected from one of the many cheap hotels he frequented. It wasn’t that the fights were especially long or loud, but they were unquestionably violent.

He always lost.

There was something significant in that, but Subaru was never given time to dwell on it. Tonight, pressed backward against the cracks made by the initial impact of his body with the mirror mounted on the back of the door, he gasped for breath, trying to get the fingers of his left arm to respond as it hung unresponsively from his shoulder.

The hand wrapped around his right wrist had a grip that caused the bones to grind together unpleasantly as the heavy, solid weight of his captor kept him pinned to the door. “You’re not really trying, Subaru. How disappointing.”

It wasn’t true and Subaru wanted to deny it, but there was no point to it.

He wanted to lash out, wanted to _hurt_ , wanted to watch that look of predatory amusement fade into fury or fear or respect or _anything_ other than detached entertainment. There came a moment, every time, where realization broke that he would not receive it and Subaru simply could press no further.

Something inside came apart and, as quickly as that, it was over. Sakurazuka Seishirou had never been one to let opportunity pass him by and as realization struck – so did he.

“Why do you fight yourself so hard, Subaru?” Another hand rested against his throat, exerting just enough pressure to be painful without impeding his ability to speak. “You know that you can never have what you want.”

Grimly, Subaru concentrated on his arm. If he could just get it to _move_ ….

“Or perhaps this _is_ what you want?” Still that lilt of dark amusement in his voice as Seishiou’s weight was suddenly pressing down on his throat. “You _want_ to lose…?”

Subaru struggled, forcing his arm to move however sluggishly as he attempted to dislodge his captor. Both men had been trained extensively in various martial arts, but Seishirou was a killer, placing Subaru at a severe disadvantage.

“So much spirit.” Still _amusement_ , however dark, and Subaru refused to give in even as his need for air became desperate, forcing his uncooperative arm to raise, _clawing_ at the face that was fading back into the eternal grey. The last thing he heard before losing consciousness was that deep voice musing, “When did you learn to stand up for yourself?”

He woke to the smell of cigarette smoke and blood, a fading ache in his shoulder and something dark beneath his fingernails.

… and that was one of the good nights.

**

Sheltered would be a good word to describe Sumeragi Subaru’s life – at least until the year he and his sister turned sixteen. It was an odd sort of sheltering, being exposed to death and hatred, love and passion, the ugliest depths of the human soul and the creatures that fed on that ugliness and the most beautiful acts of giving and sacrifice…. He’d been naïve, an innocent idealist despite the monsters, human and otherwise, that he’d seen and touched since his childhood.

Now twenty-five, Subaru was a great many things. High school drop-out, smoker, obsessive hunter… and still Sumeragi, still onmyouji, still giving but no longer in any way innocent.

The night that things changed began just like all the others….

**

He was tempted sometimes to just leave the door of his room open. Witnesses would put a stop to the warfare, surely. Of course, witnesses would probably also die. It had been almost a week since the last nighttime fight and perhaps he’d sleep well tonight…. The door remained closed and Subaru moved to sit on sill of the window, a cigarette in hand despite the no-smoking policy of the hotel.

Closing his eyes, just for a moment, he rested against the cool glass – feeling it warm with the heat of his body. Subaru didn’t see the reflection slowly forming behind, didn’t even _feel_ it. He was becoming numb to the presence that still made his hands ache and couldn’t decide if this was a bad thing or not.

Hands closed over his shoulders and dragged him backward. With an awkward stagger, Subaru tried to gain his feet, dropping his cigarette. He wasn’t prepared for the sudden pull and _throw_ , finding himself impacting painfully with the nightstand.

A crouch and fast strike bought him contact, at least, but it was short-lived and unsatisfying as his opponent turned at the last moment and again found a hold on Subaru’s arm, following up with an extremely basic right cross. Staggering again, Subaru fell, finding himself suddenly pinned to the floor by a heavy weight. His fast strike to the throat was blocked, as was a sudden bid for freedom, and the pinning became more than just a matter of weight holding him down.

It had never been over so fast, but Subaru wasn’t about to admit defeat. He began to speak, a few words that would activate the ward he’d set before attempting to relax just for a few short minutes. He was halted by the obstacle of a mouth and tongue, nearly choking in surprise.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of this.” The words were whispered against his skin, even as the grip on his arms and the weight against him remained constant. “All the teasing and innuendo, and you a teenager – no matter _how_ repressed.”

Subaru wasn’t given a chance to answer, effectively blocked a second time – this time with a lingering kiss that he could’ve turned away from.

Perhaps it was a sign of how much he’d grown when he didn’t hesitate, perhaps a sign of how he simply could not let go. Subaru bit down, hard, and was rewarded with temporary freedom and a blow to the side of his head that left him seeing stars.

“Perhaps another time,” the words slightly slurred by the blood in his mouth – and Subaru found himself alone on the floor, unsure if he wanted to get up and risk being sick or simply remain where he was.

He could taste the blood. Worse, Subaru could feel a twist of shivering tension that let him know that this was yet another battle that he’d lose, and possibly lose willingly. He rolled over slowly and shoved himself to his feet, moving to the small sink to rinse out his mouth and brush his teeth.

The reflection in the mirror would not meet his eyes and he found bitter amusement in that.

His remaining sleep was restless in the extreme and tasted of blood and cigarettes.

**

Occasionally, Subaru would return home. He had duties, after all. For all of his ceaseless searching, he was careful not to let his responsibilities slip away. He’d lost too much already to willingly let go of any more.

There were no fights or disquieting visits while he was in Kyoto, but his sleep was restless all the same. He never stayed long, picking up the latest information and list of jobs from his grandmother before setting out again.

Weaving his hunt between the calls on his professional responsibilities was difficult, but Subaru had chosen his path and was determined to walk it. He had chosen to wake from his fog, to choose a purpose and to pursue it. Despite his struggles, the fog was creeping back and he clung grimly to his purpose, using it to continue forward despite the greyness pressing in against him.

**

It was three weeks before the security of his nighttime retreat was breached again – another fight, another loss, and Subaru could not decide whether he was relieved that there’d been no repeat of the earlier, unsettling, sexual overtones.

He did not sleep well for several nights, sleeping once at a client’s home, snatching a short nap on a train and looking for any excuse not to close his eyes while he was alone.

Eventually, he had to resort to a hotel and this time the wards against intrusion were set very carefully indeed.

It did him no good whatsoever.

**

Subaru woke to weight settling against the bed. His attempt at kicking whoever it was (as if he didn’t know) was hampered by the covers and he found himself at a distinct disadvantage.

This time, Subaru had a knife and that bought him enough space to slide from the bed. It brought no further advantage, however, as pain seared through his hand, from the back to the palm, and he was forced to drop it.

Another fight, just like all the others, only this time Subaru was determined not to give in. Come what may, he would continue fighting. That resolve carried him forward until a hand fisted roughly in his hair, dragging his head back as teeth sank into his throat hard enough to send jagged bolts of pain along his nerves.

He lashed out and they separated, leaving whispered words in the air between them.

“You want to punish yourself for failing your sister. You want to punish me for killing her… but you want something more than that, don’t you Subaru?”

“This isn’t what I want.” The words were raw and edged with a desperate fury.

“Perhaps not.” The familiar greyness was becoming shot-through with black and Subaru clenched his jaw as the hotel room faded away, leaving him standing in a black emptiness. He felt the sudden sting of a spell that he had no time to avoid and his breath caught. “But as you will never get what you _truly_ want, it will suffice.”

As it became hard to breathe, Subaru sank to his knees, fighting for every breath of air. He could break this illusion and free himself, but it would take all of his energy, leaving him at the mercy of his enemy. He was not fool enough to think that he would wake unscathed and so he clung both to consciousness and his remaining strength.

His chest hurt, air hissing between clenched teeth, as Sakurazuka Seishirou stepped out of the shadows and walked toward him. One hand in his pocket, a cigarette held casually in the other, he stopped with several yards still between them and smiled. Sliding off his sunglasses, he tucked them into a pocket. “Willful blindness and so much denial….”

And oh, the irony of that. Subaru didn’t flinch. “You can’t keep me here.”

“I’ve no intention of keeping you.” Subaru’s eyes narrowed as he struggled with the dull pain of those words, even as he’d expected them, and Seishirou’s faint smile widened. “Nor am I in a great hurry to see you leave.”

Subaru gave him an iron glare as Seishirou sank easily to his heels, smiling that empty smile.

“You have your uses, Subaru. What’s one more?”

There are weak spots in every spell and Subaru found the correct way to break free just as Seishirou sprang. There was a flurry of exchanged blows and when the metaphorical dust settled, Seishirou had a dark welt forming on his jaw and a thin stream of blood from the corner of his mouth. Subaru was face down on the ground, again attempting to regain his breath. His efforts were not aided by the sudden weight resting against his lower back.

“You can deny it all you like.” Warm hands slid beneath the loose shirt that Subaru wore for sleeping, resting against rapidly tensing muscles. “But you _want_ to give me this.” There was a sudden, thoughtful pause. “No… you want me to _take_ it.”

Subaru froze, unable to produce the angry denial that seemed caught at the back of his throat.

“I hope,” and the word was a soft purr, “you don’t expect me to be gentle.”

**

The morning was a world of pain and humiliation as Subaru forced open reluctant eyes to see the stain of sunrise against the wall of his room. He wanted to crawl up onto the bed, close his eyes and force the world to leave him in peace. He noted, distractedly, that his cigarette from the night before had burned a small hole in the carpet and found himself staring at the cigarette butt and the charred mark.

“This isn’t what I want,” he whispered, closing his eyes and slowly forcing himself first to his knees and then his feet.

The heat of the shower helped somewhat, and he spent a long time beneath the stream of water, forcing knotted muscles to relax and feeling bruises slowly forming beneath his skin.

Humiliation, loss of control, pain and the tearing knowledge that nothing would ever cause the ache to go away – it was all so very familiar and it was ground he had no desire to walk a second time.

Subaru leaned against the wall of the tiny shower, taking slow, deep breaths as he struggled to find a balance that would allow him to break away from the violence. He could still _feel_ it, as if the entire incident had been stored in his body’s cellular memory and set on constant replay and that had to be dealt with.

It took him over an hour to find an even keel, stepping from the shower with at least the appearance of calm acceptance. He dressed and gathered his few personal possessions, tidying away the cigarette butt.

When Subaru left the hotel, he looked like nothing more than another young traveler, if perhaps more somber than most. He paused at the exit, fishing his telephone from the pocket of his jacket and balancing it with his shoulder as he lit another cigarette.

“Tokyo… are you sure?”

**

There is a moment when truth and reality intersect and the demons of obsession and delusion conjured by a shattered heart will waver. If the person involved is strong enough, they can sometimes recognize this moment and break free. That strength is often not enough to save them from the shattering of their mind when they realize the deception that has twisted their lives.

Subaru had been there for many such moments, providing the necessary strength, when possible, to keep the mind and soul in one piece. He had seen it all so very, very often….

Amid dust and destruction, surrounded by sirens and despairing screams, long fingers captured his hand and warm breath was felt with the brush of lips against his skin - and Subaru _knew_.

It had been nine years since Sakurazuka Seishirou had broken his arm. Nine long years since he’d felt the older man’s touch, and the world _twisted_ , leaving him standing on a dangerous precipice when he’d thought his footing sure.

Obsession, however, can be a weapon in the right hands and Subaru drew it back to him with the strength that made him the Thirteenth Head of the Sumeragi and a Dragon of Heaven.

It did not matter that it had been madness… his search was over, his wish was before him, and he had come too far to let go now. Discarding the lies and the illusions, he broke away, feeling certainty come back to him now that the end was in sight.

“I’ve been looking for you.”

This time, he would _not_ give in.


End file.
